The Three Vertically-challenged Members of the Porcine Species

A member of the porcine species told his three offspring to go live independently with no financial aid from their parental unit. So, the three vertically-challenged pigs (for lack of a better term) ventured forth in three non-conformist directions.

The first vertically-challenged (and horizontally-challenged) pig encountered a brush-bearing personage. The homo sapien took monetary compensation for his bundle with great rapture, and the porcine constructed a dwelling out of the dried remains of wheat stalk (which, incidentally, had been grown on an agriculturally proper farm that was self-sufficient and utilized none of the taxpayer’s money.)

Every nocturnal period, the pig said wistfully, “I crave a drier living environment in the precipitous downfall. It gives me no pleasure when it trembles in the alterations of air pressure.” But alas and alack, the swine took no action.

After a passing of seven days and six nights, a vertically-gifted and ethically-challenged member of the lupine species came along and verbalized to the residence: “Vertically-challenged porcine, vertically-challenged porcine, permit me entrance to your dwelling or I shall be forced to demolish it using the pressure of my exhalation!”

But the pig responded; “Not by the scant amount of facial hair I have growing upon my mandible!”

So the lupine physically exerted his lung capacity in the general vicinity of the porcine’s abode. The house crumbled and the porcine expired within. The lupine devoured his pork chops, but pondered belatedly, “Oh, how I detest when I engage in mastication of pig prior to my attendance of personal hygiene.”

A light bulb illuminated the brow of the wolf: “I do believe I shall rinse myself in precedence to any further activities!”

The vertically-challenged porcine of a secondary influence made the acquaintance of a person of the human persuasion who had a transportational vehicle filled with the environmentally unsound, cruelly decimated ends of tree branches. The swine exchanged his monetary inheritance for the flammable pieces of wood and constructed his house with them.

During every period between dusk and dawn, the porcine uttered wistfully, “Oh, how I wish that my dwelling did not split so unaesthetically. It gives me no great rapture when it shivers in the currents of air.” But alas and alack, the pig took no action.

After the moon had moved one quarter of its full cycle, the vertically gifted and morally-unethical lupine appeared at the abode of the pig of the secondary persuasion. He called out to said pig: “Vertically-challenged porcine, vertically-challenged porcine, permit me entrance to your dwelling or I shall be forced to decimate it using the pressure of my exhalation!”

But the pig whimpered, “Not by the stubbly amount of facial hair I have growing upon my lower jaw!”

So the wolf physically exerted his lung capacity again, and true to his words, the dwelling was decimated, as was the porcine inside. So, after engaging in shower-like activities, the lupine devoured his bacon bits on top of a well-balanced salad with non-fattening dressing.

The processionally-hindered, vertically challenged porcine encountered a brick-laying person and discovered his inner affinity for the constructional blocks. He bartered with the homo sapien and exchanged half his material wealth for the bricks and concrete. He then indulged in a long, productive session of house building.

One period after the daylight hours, the pig contemplated, “I really dislike the inexpensive mortar I utilized. I believe I shall replace it with mortar of a greater quality.” The next time-period before the solstice of the day, the swine repaired his abode and so received great non-material reward for his efforts.

Soon thereafter, the lupine appeared once more and verbalized, “Vertically-challenged porcine, vertically-challenged porcine, permit me entrance to your dwelling or else I’ll be forced to exhaust my supply of oxygen and destroy your home!”

But the vertically-challenged pig had faith in his home, so he replied, “Not by the small, Vandyke-like protrusion of hair below my lower lip!”

So once again, the wolf attempted to physically exert his lung capacity, but with the mortar of great quality, the house stood unwavering. The lupine was no slouch and so he persisted for a full cycle of daylight, the beast tried to make good on his assault, heaving and breathing and using deep-breathing exercises to make the most of his air, but to no avail. Finally, in frustration, the wolf left to take a course in methods to expand his breathing capacity, but found himself so calmed, that he took up a vegan lifestyle and began to train others in the benefits of yoga.

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About E

Even as a child, I read voraciously. Writing has always been a natural outlet. Sometimes bordering on macabre or edgy, I was not always safe and even today I look at some of my writing and raise an eyebrow. Read me at your own risk. I am but a 30-something professional (don't ask a professional what, for I won't answer!) who spends nights as a dreamer and sometimes writer.
This entry was posted in 1994, humorous, short story and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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